Which Came First: Friendship or Community?

I think of this a bit like the chicken or the egg question, the answer feels like it could go either way. Often we join a community, be it a book club, a local yoga studio, or a volunteer organization, and become friends with others we meet there. It’s easy to become friends when you’re seeing each other regularly and already have at least one shared interest. On the flip side, a group of friends might realize something’s missing from say, their neighborhood, city, or even state, and take it upon themselves to organize and take “action, shaping decisions, systems or structures together” naturally creating a community in the process.

Whichever came first, I think together they make for a truly magical experience. However, many people, although surrounded by others, describe a lack of deep, meaningful friendships and a real sense of belonging, leaving them unsure if what they’re experiencing could even be considered community. People want to belong to something greater, but “we need more models of relationship and connection that point the way to”1 finding this. So many of our current models of communities are digital. Now, don’t get me wrong, these certainly have their place, but “vibrant communities create and hold spaces of physical and emotional safety that enable authentic connection to evolve.”2 Relationships are the heart of community and meeting face to face offers something the online world simply can’t match.

As much as people like belonging to a group, they don’t want to lose their individuality. I believe uniqueness is what makes a community radiant. I love it when someone in my circle thinks differently than I do. Communities with varied members offer society something beautiful — a space to share and take in ideas different from our own with respect, patience, and genuine curiosity. Friendships seem to exist and form naturally within communities and because these are relationships built on of affection, we tend to stay more open to hearing a different perspective. At the end of the day “we are dying to share with people who can relate and will not condemn us”3 and I think that's what a community of individuals is really made of.

Great, now we have a better idea of what makes a community, but how in the world do you find one?

I won’t sugar coat it. Finding a community you thrive in can take time, but the best thing you can do while searching for yours is to get out in the world. Take a class, join a club, volunteer, share a meal with strangers.

Whatever you choose, just get out of the house and meet new people. Going out and trying new things by yourself can absolutely feel scary but remember, sometimes friendships come first and form communities together. So, grab some friends and start a community garden, attend neighborhood cleanups, form a run club. Moral of the story, get out and connect with others on a deeper level.

[1] Lisa Kentgen, PhD, The Practice of Belonging (Berkeley: North Atlantic Books, 2023), 5.

[2] Lisa Kentgen, PhD, The Practice of Belonging (Berkeley: North Atlantic Books, 2023), 10.

[3] Lisa Kentgen, PhD, The Practice of Belonging (Berkeley: North Atlantic Books, 2023), 47.